It was blue and green, with three flowers on the front. I wrote in that thing a lot, and a lot of what I wrote, well, it’s kind of embarrassing.
I was 13 and the biggest goodie-goodie you ever met. My priorities were with school and grades, and there are probably a lot of people who could attest to that. Even though 10 years have passed since then, I still often cringe when I think of that 13 year old girl. I’m just not sure I particularly liked her, and I have a hard time recognizing her. She’s so different from the person I am today.
But doesn’t that seem really flawed? To not like yourself because you’re different from the person you are today?
If I think back to six months ago, I’m probably different today then I was then. How could I not be? I’ve grown, learned more about myself, and definitely gained independence that I didn’t have then. Do I look back at myself six months ago and dislike that person? I guess there are certain aspects I would like to change, but if I changed that person wouldn’t it change the present me?
My 13 year old self might have thoughts that make me cringe and think “who are you,” but who I was then lead me to who I am today. And I’m sure I’ll look at myself in six months and think “why did you think that way.” But that’s the awesome thing about life, we can change and we will change (my journals have taught me that).
So why is having a blog such a scary thing? Because the change we all go through is documented for everyone to see. Even scarier, that change is documented for me to see and I know it’s public. I can look at posts that I wrote a year ago and it makes my stomach twist because I don’t recognize my voice (or even scarier, a picture of myself that just doesn’t look like me).
Having our thoughts be public is incredibly nerve racking, and yet we do it all the time with seemingly little thought (some people more than others). Even just a facebook status is a written reflection of our thoughts at the time that we document publically. I look at my facebook from 2011 and I literally squint at it because my eyes don’t even want to acknowledge the person I was then.
Who are you?
Well, I’m a person. A person composed of a lot of different life stages. Some stages that I look at fondly and some that I just don’t recognize. But going through those unrecognizable stages are what help shape us into the people we actually want to be. We take those awkward/uncomfortable/unrecognizable stages and realize what we want to change in order to be a better version of ourselves.
So while having a blog essentially means my “journal” has become public, and that often terrifies me, it’s also nice to know people might actually read this and relate to it. And if nobody reads it, then oh well, it’s just like all my other journals: just for my eyes so that in a year I can read this and ask myself, who are you?
Any other bloggers ever feel slightly anxious having such public thoughts? How do you deal?
On a completely different note: